Chapter 7

    I sat at the antique desk in our bedroom. It had been passed down to him and was placed in our room because we often stayed in there. I was filling out all of the paperwork. I wanted it all done at once so I would get it over with. Once I was finished I sorted and labeled them. The bag that the doctor handed me was also sitting on the desk. I opened it. The first item I chose was his cell phone. I entered the lock code and the wallpaper was us kissing. I smiled. The first thing I looked at was his notes. It was full of song lyrics. The first one that caught my eye was Ill Always Walk Beside You.

"Sometimes we live inside the madness
We have to make it through the sadness,
What's worse, a blessing or a curse,
It's gonna take a little practice
We gotta keep on keepin' at this
Live and learn, can't let us crash and burn

When you feel alone
I will sing you home
I'll be there,
To help you make it through
When your tears are gone
And we will go on, I swear,
There's nothing I won't do
I'll always walk beside you
Beside you

Sometimes there's nothing to believe in,
You end up searching for a reason,
Breath in, and just believe in me
Many roads lead through the darkness
Feeling hopeless, feeling heartless
Reach out, I'll give you all you need.

When you feel alone
I will sing you home
I'll be there,
To help you make it through
When your tears are gone
And we will go on, I swear,
There's nothing I won't do
I'll always walk beside you

I, I'll never get ahead of us
I, I will never leave you behind,
I'll always walk, always walk beside you

When you feel alone
I will sing you home
I'll be there,
To help you make it through
When your tears are gone
And we will go on, I swear,
There's nothing I won't do
I'll always walk beside you
Beside you,
Always walk beside you
Beside you,
Always walk beside you
Beside you,
I will walk
Beside you"

Tears began to flow freely from my eyes. I wondered if maybe he had recorded it when I wasn't around so I quickly found my earphones and laid on the bed with the phone, snuggling with a pillow for comfort. I searched in 'recordings' for it. After a minute I found it. I cried while listening to it. After listening to it I went through his photo gallery. It was all of us, me alone and guitars. Each picture of us brought me back to the moments they were taken. Him beside me, holding the phone in the air just right to get the picture. Me not being able to smile or stop giggling. . . They were beautiful, happy moments and I would never forget them.

Chapter 6

    After I was finished playing, I placed the pick back where it was and carefully sat the guitar on it's stand. I walked over to his black ESP LTD SA-2 and gently ran my fingers over the finish. I flashed back to seeing him onstage playing it. Him looking over at me and smiling, winking before he looked back at the crowd. I smiled at the memory and tears filled my eyes. I kissed my fingers and touched the guitar.

"ya know, he loved you very much," said Denise from the doorway.

I looked quickly over to her. She had scared me. I nodded.

"I know," I said.

"Sorry I startled you," she said as she sat on the stool Jon was earlier.

I sat down on mine.

"He talked about you a lot when you weren't around. Constantly on his mind. . . "

I smiled and played with my wedding ring using my thumb.

"Before you got engaged he'd always say 'I swear to God I will marry that woman' and I could tell in his eyes and in the tone of his voice that he was very serious even though it was cliche,"

"I never would've settled for anything less than marriage with him. I've always wanted him and only him,"

"He was the same way. Everything with you was completely different than with others in the past,"

By now I had taken off the robe. She glanced down and looked at my wrist. I felt insecure and crossed my arms to cover it.

"I see them, you don't have to hide. It's okay. I have done it before too," she said.

I relaxed.

"I have since I was a teenager. Richie was the only thing that kept me from it. He was the only thing that kept me alive. The only thing that made me happy... and now-" I said, shaking..

I began to cry. She slid her chair close to me and wrapped her arms around me.

"Shhhhhh," she said.

I wanted to run away from her. As if I could run straight into Richie's open arms if I did.

"I hope he never expects me to remarry because I refuse, he's the only one for me,"

"Shhh I'm sure he doesn't. He wanted you with him and probably would've killed anyone who kept him from you,"

"Does this mean that we were both wrong, that he wasn't the one?"

"no honey, he was the one. It was just his time to go I suppose. It was meant to happen. If it wasn't meant to, the archer would've missed or you wouldn't have been on the trip in the first place."

"I wish the archer got me too after him,"

"Didn't you hold his hand till he was gone?" she asked.

"yes... I did,"

"Then you could have died before him and he would've been without you and filled with pain,"

I was silent for a second.

"you're right... and I never want him to hurt again. But it hurt him to leave me, it really did,"

"Yes because of this, Jessika Because he loved you. Because he needed you and knew you needed him in return. Knew whatever plans he had made for the future, would never happen. He wouldn't wake up to you again and you would wake up to emptiness,"

I didn't know what to say but I knew that everything she said was right.

We sat in silence for a few minutes and then I decided to speak again.

"He had plans to ask me if I was ready to have a child with him," I said.

"Richie would've been the perfect dad," she said as she patted and rubbed my back.

"yes, yes he would've" I said, "but what if this happened after we decided to have one. . . say what if I was pregnant, they would never know him. . . I would have to find love again, but there is no love to me without him. Richie is love."

Chapter 5

    After laying there imagining for a while I drifted off asleep somehow. I dreamt of us. That what happened, never happened. That he was still here.

 In the dream we had finished our walk in the woods. We actually hopped into Jon's car and he brought us home. Once we were home Richie ordered dinner in that night and we ate on the back patio by the fire and finely lit pool. Once we ate he brought up the subject.

"Sweetheart, how do you feel about us having a baby?" he softly asked.

I almost choked on the tea I was drinking.

"A baby?" I asked as i sat the tea back down.

"Yeah," he said with a smile.

"Well we are married now. Why would I say no?"

He smiled back at me.

    I was suddenly awoken by the sound of the front door opening and closing. I heard a female's voice greeting Jon. It was Denise. I móped out of bed and put on my house robe. I was trying to tie the front closed as I opened the door and went into the living room. Somehow seeing her and him without Richie there made tears begin to stream down my face again.

"Oh honey..."she said as she walked up to me and hugged me.

Jon stood there, not sure what to do. Denise stopped hugging me.

"Listen, I know you miss him but he wouldn't want you being like this. He would understand but wouldn't want this. Just remember he'll never truly be gone. He'll always be here with you," she said.

I nodded and looked to the floor, tears still flowing. 

"Do you need anything?" She asked.

"Just.... just him," I said as I looked up at her and my lips began to tremble, "I'll be in the guitar room."

I walked away.  I stopped in front of the door, slowly opened it and turned on the light.  I went inside and closed the door gently behind me. Being in there made me feel a little better. I ran my fingers over the tops of the amps and some of the guitars. Yes I could play, I began playing in my teenage years because of Richie himself. I used it to get to him, it was the only way I knew how. I picked up his Martin 1948 000 42, a pick and sat down on a stool. I began to play whatever my heart desired. I remembered both of us coming to this room sometimes to shut out the world and just jam together, I closed my eyes to picture that.
I snapped out of it when Jon knocked and opened the door. I continued to play and he pulled up a stool and sat in front of me to talk.
"playing already?" he asked.
"It's like I am talking to him," I said.
He smiled.
"Well I know he hears you,"
I stared down at the guitar for a moment.
"Jon?" I asked.
"yes?"
"why aren't I constantly crying? Instead it's just extreme pain inside and it wants to stay there." I said as I looked him in the eyes.
He was silent for a moment, as if wondering what to say.
"You're still in shock. It all is happening so fast. You will eventually," he said.
"How long have I been in here?"
"a couple hours. I came to check on you. Denise is here because Lorenza didn't know how to handle it. When I called Denise she said she would be right over. She's probably a better choice anyhow seeing she was his personal assistant,"
I nodded in understanding.
"A lot of paperwork came in that you have to fill out for Richie,"he said, "but only when you are ready. It has to be done soon but take your time. Just the funeral papers need to be finished, the rest can wait a little longer."
I nodded again. I dreaded it all so much.

Chapter 4

I walked to our bed and sat down. I gently ran my fingers over my wrist. Jon walked out of the bedroom and closed the door behind him. By now the sun was starting to shine well through the curtains. My phone was sitting on the nightstand. It had been charging all night. I picked it up and laid down with it. My wallpaper and lock screen was 'selfies' of Richie and I. I tried not to cry, to be strong. I hurried to my emails. It was full of messages, all of them blaming me. My hand began shaking violently and I gently sat my phone back on the night stand. I then covered myself up with a blanket. Tears flowed freely from my face. I never should've looked.
"Jon," I called out.
"yeah?" he said as he opened the door and peeked in.
I pointed to my phone which still hadn't locked itself. He walked on in and picked it up. He read all of the messages and sat it back down.
"Jess, it's okay. It wasn't your-"
I stopped him in mid-sentence.
"IS IT JON? IS IT NOT? WHY WOULDN'T IT BE?! I WAS NOT NEAR EITHER OF YOU WHEN IT HAPPENED! I SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE!" I yelled as I sat up a little, tears falling to the sheets.
"IF IT WAS YOUR FAULT, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THERE AT ALL! YOU WOULDN'T BE UPSET! NO ONE COULD SAVE HIM!" Jon yelled back, "no one..."
I relaxed back down into the bed.
"Jess, I am so sorry I yelled back at you like that. But understand it wasn't anyone's fault but the person who did all of this. Richie loved you so much, and he still does. He knows you would never do that to him. He knows you loved him more than you loved yourself. You always put him first before anything or anyone. If you won't listen to anyone, listen to him," tears started falling down his cheeks, "You may not can see him but he's still here. He will always be here, he promised you that, remember? It was in his vows."
I smiled and stared into space as I recited Richie's words as if it had just happend.
"I, Richie, take you, Jessika , to be my friend, my lover, the mother of my children and my wife. I will be yours in times of plenty and in times of want, in times of sickness and in times of health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow, in times of failure and in times of triumph. I promise to cherish and respect you, to care and protect you, to comfort and encourage you, and stay with you, for all eternity. I will always walk beside you."
Jon smiled and I looked up at him.
"See? He's still here. He'll never leave you, not the person he ached for his whole life and was suddenly physically ripped away from. He always needed more than just the one night stands, he needed a woman to love him like he tried to love some of his exes. He had his heartbroken a few times and they really cut him deep. I cannot explain to you how scared he was to commit himself to you even though his heart said to do so because of his past experiences with women who just wanted to try and have kids with a good-looking man. He really loves you. He was telling me the other day that he wanted to ask you if you were ready to have his children because he wanted to ask before he knew neither of you could without too much risk for them. He then asked me if I thought he was doing the right thing. He has never came to me for advice about women in the past, but with you there were millions." he said.
"He... wanted to ask me that?" I asked shakingly as I sat up.
Jon knelt down beside the bed, as remembering I didn't want him on it.
"Yes... I am guessing he felt he would ask when he felt the time was right like he did for the proposal," he said softly.
"We always talked of having a child but never decided on when we would try. I was always too afraid and I am the one who brought it up but it was before he proposed. We did however decide on a name if it was a girl. He would've been such a great dad,"
"That he would've....."
I laid back down and stared into space. Jon stood up and slowly walked out of the room, shutting the door behind me. He knew I need a little time right now. I pulled the blanket up to my mouth and snuggled my face into it. Tears flowed from my eyes again as I imagined how everything would be if he was still here. What if he planned to that night, no matter what happened. What if... What... if............

Chapter 3

    I rolled over in my sleep and woke up because I buried my face into his pillow. His scent was still there. I opened my eyes and it was barely breaking dawn. I could see the white bed sheets. I rolled off of his pillow and out of his spot as to not interrupt where he used to be. I couldn't go back to sleep. It felt as if like he was just on tour, that he'd be back. Then I remembered, and flashed back to the event. I slammed my pillow over my face and began to cry again. I wanted him to hold me, to be beside be, to just be alive. He made me want to live again, the only thing that kept me alive. He made me happy. Happier than I could ever imagine. My long-time depression began to return.

    I threw my pillow across the bed. I then got out of the bed. I could hardly breathe, it was if I was suffocating from the pain. I turned on the light in the master bathroom and grabbed an old pocket knife that I used to use. I sat on the edge of the empty bathtub and held it in my hand. I thought long and hard about the decision I was about to make. My bottom lip began to quiver, my hands shook violently, I couldn't breathe, my wrists seemed to scream and beg for the blade. If Richie was there he would've thrown the knife, held me, kissed me where it hurt, and 'shh'ed me till I was okay again. But, he wasn't there to stop me. I grabbed a towel from the rack, opened the knife as I walked to the sink, sat the towel down and looked into the mirror.

"I'm sorry baby," I said as tears rolled down my cheeks.

I looked down, grasped the knife handle in my hand and slowly made one slit across my wrist. I didn't make it deep enough to puncture a vein and I always cut horizontally.It had been a very long time since I felt the pain the blade left. I watched the blood ooze from the open wound. It soothed the pain for a few minutes and I had to do it again.

    By the time I was 'finished' my wrist was covered in cuts and dripped blood into the sink. I rinsed off the blade and sat it on the side of the sink. I then rinsed off my wrist and wrapped the towel over it. I walked back over to the bathtub and sat back down on the edge. I waited fifteen minutes and unwrapped it. The towel was covered in blood but it had ceased to bleed. I searched for the peroxide to keep it from getting infected. We didn't have any but we had alcohol.

'Damn this is gonna hurt' I thought to myself.

I threw the bloody towel into the laundry hamper and opened the alcohol. I closed my eyes and poured it.

"AGH!" I said as I sat the alcohol down and backed into the wall and slid down into the floor, clutching my arm just under the cuts.

There was a knock on the door. 

"Jess, are you okay?" Jon asked.

I didn't answer. I didn't know what to say. He opened the door and saw me. I looked up at him. He knelt down in front of me.

"What did you do?" he softly asked as he gently grabbed my hand so he could further examine the damage.

I exchanged my glances from him to the cuts a few times. I hoped he wouldn't touch them.

"Is this what he kept you from?" he asked as he looked me in the eyes and released my hand.

I slowly nodded and looked away. Tears started flowing from my eyes again and I closed my eyes. He gently patted my hand.
"C'mon, I'll make you breakfast," he said as he stood up and held out his hand.
I shook my head.
"Not hungry?" he asked, concerned.
I shook my head again. I knew all of this hurt him too, he knew Richie longer than I had. They had known each other close to all of their lives, minus about twenty years. I could tell he was trying to be strong for me, the way Richie would have wanted. I hated having a guy around the house, after Richie was gone. It felt wrong to me.
"Jon," I started and paused.
"yes?"
"No offense to you, you're cool and all but... It feels wrong to me to have a guy in the house now. I would like it if maybe Lorenza could stay with me? Or Richie's assistant Denise, not his ex? Just, a girl?"
Jon stood and thought for a moment. For me, going for Denise Salazar would be a bit much. Lorenza Ponce actually was touring and writing with band at one time.
"I understand completely about how you're feeling this way. Its natural. I'll call Lorenza in a bit and see if she can get down here. If she isn't available, I could ask Denise or Dorothea. Would Dot be an okay choice?" he said.
I shook my head.
"okay... well I don't want to just leave you here," he said as he offered his hand to me again.
I let him help me out of the floor. 

Chapter 2

 All I could feel was coldness inside. The ride to the hospital with no siren felt like we were going in slow motion and it reminded me that he was  gone. They told me I was allowed to lift down the sheet. I slowly lifted it down. He was already pale but still warm.  His head wobbled side to side as we hit a few rough patches in the road and I cringed. It deeply bothered me. I ran my fingers through his hair and touched his hand through the sheet. I began to cry again. I gently caressed his forehead and hand with my thumbs. There was a paramedic in the back with me, the only girl. She grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around me in silence. I looked at her as she sat back down. She nodded at me and I could see in her eyes that she felt bad for me.

When we arrived I was asked to go in the front and sit in the lobby. Before I left I asked them to wait a second before they took him. I walked over to him and kissed his forehead. I then gently pulled at the sheet to cover his face and I shook violently. I couldn't do it. Jon walked up to us and he wrapped his hand around my wrist. I looked at him.
"you don't have to do that, they will," he said.
I began to cry again and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around me and nodded at the paramedics to take Richie away.
"Shhhhh," he softly said as he rubbed my back.
"Jon... I-"
"Let's go inside,"
We walked to the lobby and he kept his arm around me. I enclosed the blanket around me and held it tight. We sat down on a small couch in the lobby. In a few minutes a doctor with a clipboard walked in our direction.
"Mrs. Sambora?" he asked.
I nodded.
"I'm sorry for your loss, the police will be here soon to ask you both questions. We just have one question, what is your wish for his body?"
My whole body began to shake, my mouth got dry and my throat seemed to close in and suffocate me.
"no autopsy, we'll have a proper funeral. He didn't ever write a will...." I said.
He wrote on his clipboard what I said.
"Okay ma'am that's all," he said as he flipped the paper down, looked up at me, and walked away.
Jon and I never said a word to each other. I didn't want to speak.

    In about 20 minutes the police arrived. They walked up to us and talked to us separately.

"I'm sorry for your loss Mrs. Sambora, but I need you to tell me everything that happened," the officer said.

I told him that I was behind them a few yards and that we were walking in the woods. 

"I only saw Jon helping him to the ground. I never saw another person other than us nor hear anyone," I said as I began to cry again.

I felt completely worthless because I couldn't help in getting justice for him.

   The officer  asked me where we lived, how long I have known him, how long he and I had been married and if we had any children. I answered the questions
He wrote everything I said down on a small notepad, making notes. I looked over at Jon speaking to the other officer. He looked back at me and I looked at the floor. Could I have done anything to keep Richie from dying? Could I have said more to him? Could I have touched him more? I felt as if everything was on me. My world began to close in. Maybe I could've kept him alive and he would still be here. But if I had, he wouldn't be able to continue his career and everyone would blame me. I then began to feel selfish and I ran out the door to the parking lot to be alone. I fell to my knees and cried. Jon ran after me, and the officers followed. Jon began to get frustrated.
"I know you guys are only doing your job, but she just lost the only thing that kept her in this world. Can you just stop asking her questions? She didn't see anything and I know she didn't. I was the only one who was there the moment it happened. She was a few yards behind us, she had to stop and relieve herself and we let her have her privacy," he said.
The officers wrote what Jon just said into their notes and looked up at me.
"I'm truly sorry ma'am. We will keep in touch but we understand that you need time," the other officer said.
They tipped their hats to Jon, gave me a dirty look and left. Did they really think that I did it?!
Jon knelt down beside me and convinced me that we should go back inside. He stood and held his hand out to help me stand. When we walked inside the doctor was back. He handed me a clipboard with paperwork.
"I need you to fill out this paperwork ma'am. Turn it into the front desk when you're finished and you may go home. Also, you may have these," he said as he handed me a baggie he had in his hand that held everything that Richie had in his pockets.
It took me an hour to finish the paperwork between breaking down again and it making me sick to my stomach. Once finished I did as he said and turned it into the front desk. Jon drove me back home in the dark. He decided to stay on the couch in the living room instead of the guest room so he could be closer to me in case I needed anything. I took a shower and put myself to bed. I couldn't sleep with knowing he wasn't beside me and never would be again. I started to cry and shake. I felt so cold. All of a sudden relaxation slammed into me and my tears stopped flowing. I began to feel warm and safe again, and I drifted off to sleep.

Chapter 1

Richie Sambora - I'll Always Walk Beside you

   The wind got knocked out of Richie as he was hit by a flying arrow. Jon turned at the sound.
"Richie!" Jon said as he grabbed onto Richie to catch him before he fell.
Jon eased Richie down to the ground. Richie held onto the arrow in his chest. Blood began to stain his shirt and hands. Jon held Richie's other hand with a brotherly grip. Richie tried to talk and couldnt.
"shhhhhhh... you'll be okay brotha," Jon said.
I walked toward to where they were. I stepped on a stick and Jon turned around. I was in shock. Jon released Richie's hand and ran toward me. He swooped me into his arms and squeezed me. I felt him sobbing into my shoulder. I kept my eyes locked on Richie. Richie; my best friend, my love, my happiness, my husband, my soul mate. Jon finally released me and we walked over to Richie. My hands shook as I knelt beside Richie and touched his bloody  hand. His eyes were locked on me and his mouth slightly open. He began to gently hold my hand. Tears started to flow down my cheeks.
"Baby, it's going to be okay. Stay with me. You can't leave me here alone. I can't live without you," I said.
"Shhh, my sweetheart. It's okay," He whispered as he took his other hand and gently sat it against my cheek.
I put my other hand around his wrist. He caressed my cheek. I smiled. He moved the hand gently behind my head and guided me down to kiss him and I moved my hand to his cheek. The kiss was so passionate. When our lips parted I opened my eyes. He was crying too now. I  put my forehead against his. His body started to relax.
Inside I was screaming, "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!"
I clutched his hand tighter. He got me to move my head down.
"I love you," He whispered before he kissed my forehead.
"I love you too Richie," I said as it suddenly felt as if i was suffocating.
He then passed with his lips to my forehead. I then broke into a million pieces. I sat up a little to look at his face. A tear that had built up under his eye lid finally started to fall slowly down his face. I kissed it away. I then moved my hand down his chest, still holding his hand, and buried my face into his chest. Jon had already called 911, he called them while Richie was still with us after I knelt down. They still weren't here. Jon was starting to get very angry at this point. He threw his phone in anger and broke it. After about five more minutes, we heard there siren. Jon ran to where they were to lead them to us. In about two minutes they were already there and trying to get me to let go of Richie. I cried harder. I couldn't let go.
"Mrs. Sambora I understand your pain and I'm sorry for your loss. You're allowed to ride with him," a paramedic said softly as he sat a hand on my shoulder.
I held up the hand I was holding to my lips, kissed it, and gently sat it back down on his stomach. I stood up and wrapped my arms around myself. I felt so cold, like my body could no longer create its own heat. The paramedics carefully lifted Richie, put him on a stretcher, and covered him and his face with a blanket. They carried him to the ambulance. There, they slid him in the back.
"You can get in now ma'am," one of them said.
I nodded my head.
"Hey," Jon said as he walked up to me.
I turned to him.
"I'll meet you there. I'm not going to leave you alone with something like this, Richie would want me to stay with you," he said.
I nodded and looked to the ground. He opened his arms and told me to come there. I walked into them and he hugged me.
"I know it doesn't seem like it right now but everything is gonna be okay..." He said as he squeezed me tighter.
Tears started to flow again. He kissed the top of my head, let go, and walked away. I turned and got into the ambulance. The paramedics closed the doors behind me.