Chapter 4

I walked to our bed and sat down. I gently ran my fingers over my wrist. Jon walked out of the bedroom and closed the door behind him. By now the sun was starting to shine well through the curtains. My phone was sitting on the nightstand. It had been charging all night. I picked it up and laid down with it. My wallpaper and lock screen was 'selfies' of Richie and I. I tried not to cry, to be strong. I hurried to my emails. It was full of messages, all of them blaming me. My hand began shaking violently and I gently sat my phone back on the night stand. I then covered myself up with a blanket. Tears flowed freely from my face. I never should've looked.
"Jon," I called out.
"yeah?" he said as he opened the door and peeked in.
I pointed to my phone which still hadn't locked itself. He walked on in and picked it up. He read all of the messages and sat it back down.
"Jess, it's okay. It wasn't your-"
I stopped him in mid-sentence.
"IS IT JON? IS IT NOT? WHY WOULDN'T IT BE?! I WAS NOT NEAR EITHER OF YOU WHEN IT HAPPENED! I SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE!" I yelled as I sat up a little, tears falling to the sheets.
"IF IT WAS YOUR FAULT, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THERE AT ALL! YOU WOULDN'T BE UPSET! NO ONE COULD SAVE HIM!" Jon yelled back, "no one..."
I relaxed back down into the bed.
"Jess, I am so sorry I yelled back at you like that. But understand it wasn't anyone's fault but the person who did all of this. Richie loved you so much, and he still does. He knows you would never do that to him. He knows you loved him more than you loved yourself. You always put him first before anything or anyone. If you won't listen to anyone, listen to him," tears started falling down his cheeks, "You may not can see him but he's still here. He will always be here, he promised you that, remember? It was in his vows."
I smiled and stared into space as I recited Richie's words as if it had just happend.
"I, Richie, take you, Jessika , to be my friend, my lover, the mother of my children and my wife. I will be yours in times of plenty and in times of want, in times of sickness and in times of health, in times of joy and in times of sorrow, in times of failure and in times of triumph. I promise to cherish and respect you, to care and protect you, to comfort and encourage you, and stay with you, for all eternity. I will always walk beside you."
Jon smiled and I looked up at him.
"See? He's still here. He'll never leave you, not the person he ached for his whole life and was suddenly physically ripped away from. He always needed more than just the one night stands, he needed a woman to love him like he tried to love some of his exes. He had his heartbroken a few times and they really cut him deep. I cannot explain to you how scared he was to commit himself to you even though his heart said to do so because of his past experiences with women who just wanted to try and have kids with a good-looking man. He really loves you. He was telling me the other day that he wanted to ask you if you were ready to have his children because he wanted to ask before he knew neither of you could without too much risk for them. He then asked me if I thought he was doing the right thing. He has never came to me for advice about women in the past, but with you there were millions." he said.
"He... wanted to ask me that?" I asked shakingly as I sat up.
Jon knelt down beside the bed, as remembering I didn't want him on it.
"Yes... I am guessing he felt he would ask when he felt the time was right like he did for the proposal," he said softly.
"We always talked of having a child but never decided on when we would try. I was always too afraid and I am the one who brought it up but it was before he proposed. We did however decide on a name if it was a girl. He would've been such a great dad,"
"That he would've....."
I laid back down and stared into space. Jon stood up and slowly walked out of the room, shutting the door behind me. He knew I need a little time right now. I pulled the blanket up to my mouth and snuggled my face into it. Tears flowed from my eyes again as I imagined how everything would be if he was still here. What if he planned to that night, no matter what happened. What if... What... if............