Chapter 3

    I rolled over in my sleep and woke up because I buried my face into his pillow. His scent was still there. I opened my eyes and it was barely breaking dawn. I could see the white bed sheets. I rolled off of his pillow and out of his spot as to not interrupt where he used to be. I couldn't go back to sleep. It felt as if like he was just on tour, that he'd be back. Then I remembered, and flashed back to the event. I slammed my pillow over my face and began to cry again. I wanted him to hold me, to be beside be, to just be alive. He made me want to live again, the only thing that kept me alive. He made me happy. Happier than I could ever imagine. My long-time depression began to return.

    I threw my pillow across the bed. I then got out of the bed. I could hardly breathe, it was if I was suffocating from the pain. I turned on the light in the master bathroom and grabbed an old pocket knife that I used to use. I sat on the edge of the empty bathtub and held it in my hand. I thought long and hard about the decision I was about to make. My bottom lip began to quiver, my hands shook violently, I couldn't breathe, my wrists seemed to scream and beg for the blade. If Richie was there he would've thrown the knife, held me, kissed me where it hurt, and 'shh'ed me till I was okay again. But, he wasn't there to stop me. I grabbed a towel from the rack, opened the knife as I walked to the sink, sat the towel down and looked into the mirror.

"I'm sorry baby," I said as tears rolled down my cheeks.

I looked down, grasped the knife handle in my hand and slowly made one slit across my wrist. I didn't make it deep enough to puncture a vein and I always cut horizontally.It had been a very long time since I felt the pain the blade left. I watched the blood ooze from the open wound. It soothed the pain for a few minutes and I had to do it again.

    By the time I was 'finished' my wrist was covered in cuts and dripped blood into the sink. I rinsed off the blade and sat it on the side of the sink. I then rinsed off my wrist and wrapped the towel over it. I walked back over to the bathtub and sat back down on the edge. I waited fifteen minutes and unwrapped it. The towel was covered in blood but it had ceased to bleed. I searched for the peroxide to keep it from getting infected. We didn't have any but we had alcohol.

'Damn this is gonna hurt' I thought to myself.

I threw the bloody towel into the laundry hamper and opened the alcohol. I closed my eyes and poured it.

"AGH!" I said as I sat the alcohol down and backed into the wall and slid down into the floor, clutching my arm just under the cuts.

There was a knock on the door. 

"Jess, are you okay?" Jon asked.

I didn't answer. I didn't know what to say. He opened the door and saw me. I looked up at him. He knelt down in front of me.

"What did you do?" he softly asked as he gently grabbed my hand so he could further examine the damage.

I exchanged my glances from him to the cuts a few times. I hoped he wouldn't touch them.

"Is this what he kept you from?" he asked as he looked me in the eyes and released my hand.

I slowly nodded and looked away. Tears started flowing from my eyes again and I closed my eyes. He gently patted my hand.
"C'mon, I'll make you breakfast," he said as he stood up and held out his hand.
I shook my head.
"Not hungry?" he asked, concerned.
I shook my head again. I knew all of this hurt him too, he knew Richie longer than I had. They had known each other close to all of their lives, minus about twenty years. I could tell he was trying to be strong for me, the way Richie would have wanted. I hated having a guy around the house, after Richie was gone. It felt wrong to me.
"Jon," I started and paused.
"yes?"
"No offense to you, you're cool and all but... It feels wrong to me to have a guy in the house now. I would like it if maybe Lorenza could stay with me? Or Richie's assistant Denise, not his ex? Just, a girl?"
Jon stood and thought for a moment. For me, going for Denise Salazar would be a bit much. Lorenza Ponce actually was touring and writing with band at one time.
"I understand completely about how you're feeling this way. Its natural. I'll call Lorenza in a bit and see if she can get down here. If she isn't available, I could ask Denise or Dorothea. Would Dot be an okay choice?" he said.
I shook my head.
"okay... well I don't want to just leave you here," he said as he offered his hand to me again.
I let him help me out of the floor.